My Partner is Concerned

Question: My hot wife is afraid that if we try swinging that it will hurt our relationship.  When we make love, she talks about it, we fantasize, but afterwards, she clams up.  She is really afraid that I will leave her, and that real swingers don't stay together for very long and that we would end up breaking up.  We have been married for over fifteen years!  I know her pretty well (obviously) and I know that she is interested but scared.  Do swingers often have their relationships dome crashing down due to swinging?

Answer: You've raised a very important issue: How would swinging affect your relationship?  First and foremost, the break up rate for swingers is not higher than among non-swingers. 

Many people have dealt with this - repeatedly - as their relationship changes over the years.  We all recognize that the first year is different from the fifth year, and swinging lifestyle issues change as well.  For most people, the first issue is the most important: Should you engage in the swing lifestyle?

This question is actually several questions under the broad heading of 'what does the swing lifestyle mean' in your own words?  For some couples, it means watching porn while having sex.  For others, it means a full swap orgy.  In between these two extremes, there are the choices of girl-girl only, MFM threesomes only, FMF threesomes only, watch and be watched, and some eight million other permutations.  Two of the fastest growing categories (this week) is the hot wife and cuckold hot wife phenomenon. So what is right for you?  We don't know, but you and your partner do.  You may want to take different steps at different times, have disagreements about how fast to go, but you and your partner can figure out what is best for your unique circumstances. After all, you and your wife been figuring out how to do this in other area of your relationship for over fifteen years. 

This means that the first thing to do is to decide - as a couple - what you want out of the swing lifestyle.  Define your rules, your expectations, what concerns you what concerns your partner, where your concerns are mutual where they diverge, what each of you wants and ultimately what you want together.  There is a fundamental difference between swinging and cheating: Swinging is based upon open communication and honesty.  Cheating is secretive and dishonest.  Swinging is something you do with your partner for mutual enjoyment.  Cheating is something done to a partner for selfish gratification.

Therefore, here are some general rules that may be useful to you:

1) Let your hot wife lead the pace of progress.  Men usually want to move faster than the ladies' are comfortable with.  Move at your wife's pace, and you both win.  Move at a faster pace than either is comfortable with, you both lose.

2) Read about swinging from a new couple's perspective.  There are links on the NASCA website, the Florida Social website (Newbie Corner & Newbie Corner Archives) and other sites that cover the many issues couples come across.

3) Communicate with your wife from your partner's perspective - listen with more than your ears; listen to your wife with your eyes and your heart.

4) If you decide to meet other like-minded people, meet first in a public place, or at an off-premises club.  This way you won't be under any pressure to do anything more than chat and get to know people.  This enables you and your partner to go slow.  We know people who have gone to socials for months - and one couple for years - before they ever did anything sexual.  One couple we know has gone to socials for years and they have yet to do anything sexual with another couple or single.  They still enjoy the atmosphere and have a good time. Once your wife sees that the people you meet (be selective) do not have three eyes and aren't psychotic, this will go a long way to make your wife comfortable.

5) When the moment comes for your first encounter, make your wife the center of attention - you may want to make her a hot swinging wife by doing a male-female-male threesome. This takes courage and a willingness to put your wife's satisfaction first, and it may or may not be right for you.

Finally, always communicate - with your hot wife, anyone else you consider playing with, and especially yourself.  Be clear about what you want, what concerns you have and always remember: The swing life style is something you do to enhance your relationship, not to detract from it.  Your relationship with each other is the most important relationship you have.