What Do I Do If I Get Jealous? 

Question: My partner and I are still swinger newbies.  We have been with two couples in six months.  The first time, I played with the other girl while the guys watched, then our partners had sex with us (no swap) and it was great.  But the last time we got with another couple, it was a disaster!  It started out with the girls playing, but then she started rubbing on my partner and kissing him.  I froze.  The other guy started touching me, but I was unresponsive and frankly pissed off at my partner.  I became so upset that we left and we haven’t spoken with the other couple since.  My partner and I had a terrible argument and three months later, we haven’t dared to meet anyone else in the lifestyle.  Is this normal or does it mean that swinging just isn’t for us?

Answer: You have raised several issues in one question.  Very good issues, in fact, that almost every couple has to deal with at some point in their relationship.

First, jealousy is a normal emotion we all experience.  Different people experience different levels, but almost everyone has a ‘green eyed episode.’  The real question is not ‘How do I make it go away?,’ rather it is ‘How do I deal with it effectively?’ 

Some couples choose to deal with it pre-emptively: For example, they may have a rule such as ‘girls can play, boys can watch, ’ or 'no kissing' and this helps them deal with the issue.  Now, this isn’t to say that couples have this rule solely to prevent jealousy, since people have rules for a variety of reasons.  In your case, the first encounter was a good one because this unspoken rule (girls can play, but don't touch the other girl's partner) was followed.  In the second encounter, it was violated in your mind, and you were upset. 

Here is a key point: Almost every time someone is upset over a swing lifestyle issue, it is because people have different rules in their head.  When someone violates the unspoken rules of someone else, conflict results.  In your case, someone violated a rule in your mind and they didn't even know that the rule existed!  This leads to a second key point, there are three levels of communication:

• Communication with yourself
• Communication with your partner
• Communication with your prospective swing partners

Anthony Robbins has said that "Clarity is power," and being clear with everyone about what your rules are gives you the power to reduce green eyed episodes or even eliminate them.  Crystal clear communication is absolutely essential for you and your relationship.

Will clear communication and pre-emptive rules guarantee you will never feel jealous?  No.  Everyone’s preferences change over time.  Many couples start out with sets of rules they later change, and each person may change at a different time.

So what do you do if the ‘green eyed monster’ strikes when you least expect it? 

The best advice I have ever heard came from world famous swing psychologist Dr. Robyn: Simply take your partner by the hand and say: “I need to talk privately with you now,” and graciously leave the room together.

If you or your partner ever use this technique, this isn’t party-pooping.  Instead this is an opportunity for deeper understanding and bonding.